What If It's Too Late
by dawneh
Summary: There are times when you leave things too late... Craig hopes that this isnt one of them NOTE There are TWO alternative endings to this one !
1. Chapter 1

"I can't to this any more Craig," John Paul sighed, he felt beaten, defeated, he just didn't have any more fight left in him.

"So you can just walk away? Easy as that?" Craig challenged.

"JUST?" John Paul snapped back at him, "There's no JUST about any of this Craig. None of this has been easy for me… but I can't carry on with the lies… I won't… I deserve better… Sarah deserves better."

"But I will tell her," Craig insisted, "Just as soon as…"

"You find the right moment," John Paul interrupted, "I've heard it too many times now… there never WILL be a right moment… you're never gonna tell her are you? I get that now… and OK that's your choice… stay with Sarah… move to Dublin… live your happy lives… just leave me the hell out of it."

"But I…" Craig looked nervously around, the streets were quiet but he still checked to be sure, "I still want you."

"It's not enough Craig," John Paul said sadly, "It's never gonna be enough."

John Paul turned and walked away; his feet were heavy on the ground but not nearly as heavy as his heart. He had given Craig amply opportunity to come clean to Sarah but there was always a reason not to. No, there was always an excuse.

He loved Craig. He probably always would, but love alone wasn't enough, he needed more and he was sadly coming to the realisation that he would never get it from Craig… no matter how long he waited.

"You'll come back," Craig called after him.

"Not this time," John Paul replied turning to look back at Craig. His big brown eyes were pleading with John Paul, the softness of his lips begging him not to go but John Paul just shook his head. "Not this time."

"John Paul wait…" There was a sudden urgency in Craig's voice demanding John Paul's attention, a demand that just made him angry.

"Just leave it Craig," he shouted back still unable to tear his eyes from Craig's face.

"No… John Paul stop… look out…"

John Paul turned his head just in time to see the car that, a fraction of a second later, sent him hurtling into the road with a sickening thud.

Three sounds would haunt Craig for weeks and months after the collision. The squeal of breaks at the drivers futile efforts to stop in time, the solid thud as the hard metal of the car connected with the softness of John Paul's flesh and a single scream from a woman across the street.

And then the silence.

It was almost worse than the sound.

Craig stood motionless, unable to think or breathe, his eyes fixed on the broken figure of John Paul lying still in the road.

After the silence came the noise. The opening of the car door as the driver leapt from his seat.

"I didn't stand a chance… he just walked out in front of me… oh god."

The crowds of people who seemed to gather from nowhere to bear witness to a terrible accident.

But the worst was the screaming, the painful pitiful screaming that wouldn't stop. It took Craig a while to realise that it was only inside his head.

He walked slowly over to the body of his fallen friend, kneeling down beside him he reached out a hand to touch lightly across John Paul's hair, shaking violently as his hand came away coated with the sticky redness of John Paul's blood.

He searched John Paul's face for signs of life but he was pale and unresponsive. He was relieved to see a slight rise and fall to John Paul's chest, but it was too slight, his breathing too shallow.

"Has someone called an ambulance?" he asked. He was greeted with silence.

"Anyone," he yelled.

"It's on its way," the driver reassured him, "It'll be here soon."

Craig turned his attention back to John Paul.

"You'll be OK," he whispered, "The ambulance will be here soon and you'll be fine. You don't get away from me that easily."

"I'm really sorry, I didn't see him," the driver stood behind Craig watching helplessly as the young man touched his fingers lightly to the face of his friend.

"Please be OK John Paul," Craig pleaded as tears began to tumble down his cheeks, "Don't leave me… not like this… Please God let him be OK."

Craig didn't hear the sirens of the ambulance, he didn't feel the hands of the paramedics as they moved him out of the way and he didn't hear their questions or their reassurances. He just stared at the ashen features of John Paul's face and felt a helplessness he had never known before.

"Are you coming with us?" The words seemed to buzz in the background of Craig's mind.

The paramedic shook him lightly to get his attention, "Are you with him? Are you coming?"

"Yes," Craig replied as the meaning behind the question finally penetrated his mind, "I'm coming… he's my… I'm his… we're best mates… I'm coming."

As Craig climbed into the back of the ambulance next to John Paul he could almost feel his friend standing over his shoulder, shaking his head disapprovingly.

"Even now Craig," John Paul's voice whispered in his mind, "Even now you can't tell them…"


	2. Chapter 2

Craig hardly registered the arrival of the McQueen women as he sat in the relatives' room.

John Paul had been taken straight into surgery as they arrived at the hospital leaving Craig with nothing to do but sit and wait.

He half saw Carmel in the corner, sat with her head bowed in a silent prayer, he could almost hear the loud voices of Mercedes and Jacqui as they demanded news from any and every passing nurse, but mostly he just saw the look in Myra's eyes as she sat quietly terrified for her only son.

Myra looked up and caught Craig's eye. She offered him a sad smile.

"You OK Craig?" she asked sympathetically.

Craig just nodded and looked away. He had no right to her sympathy or her understanding. This was all his fault and nothing he could do or say would change that. A million "what ifs" ran around his mind. What if he had told Sarah when he promised he would, what if he had just let John Paul walk away, what if he had allowed John Paul be happy with Spike? But the answer was always the same, he hadn't and he didn't and now John Paul was suffering because of him.

He let his head slump forward into his hands as feelings of shame and guilt washed over him leaving him exhausted and feeling more wretched than he ever knew possible.

"Please God let him be OK," Craig thought to himself, "I'll do anything… just let him be OK."

Craig had no idea how long he had been sitting like that when the sound of the door opening made him look up. A grave looking Doctor entered the room and, after glancing at the worried faces around him, he headed for Myra.

Craig felt a sickness in his stomach. The look on the Doctor's face as he placed a steadying hand on Myra's shoulder made Craig want to scream, made him want to run from the room and not hear the words that he could already see coming. But he was frozen to the spot as the Doctor began to speak.

"I'm so sorry Mrs McQueen," he said softly, "We did everything we could but John Paul's injuries were too severe. His heart stopped beating in theatre and we couldn't get it started again. I'm really sorry… your son died 10 minutes ago."

The Doctor's words echoed around Craig's head taunting him with their finality.

"He's dead…" Craig heard himself whisper, the words slicing through his very soul.

He looked up to see the pain and grief in Myra's eyes. "I'm so sorry," he breathed.

"This is all your fault," Myra told him as she walked towards him, "If you'd just left him alone none of this would have happened."

"But I… I didn't know…"

"Why couldn't you have just let him be?"

"I didn't mean to… I'm sorry… I'm just so sorry." Craig felt the heat of his tears as they rolled down his face. "It's all my fault," he repeated over and over as he rocked himself on his seat.

"Craig… Craig?"

He looked up to see Myra leaning over him, "Are you alright love?"

Craig frowned in confusion where was the anger and grief in her eyes? He looked around the room to see the rest of the women sat just as they had been minutes earlier.

"John Paul…?" He asked.

"No news yet… I think you fell asleep… you were talking… something about being sorry…" Myra placed a hand on Craig's shoulder. "He'll be OK you know… he's strong… he's a McQueen."

Craig nodded as the relief filled his chest. "I hope so," he replied, "I really hope so."

Half an hour later Craig felt his breath catch as the Doctor from his dream strode purposefully into the room. He searched the Doctor's face for any idea of what he was about to say but the man was unreadable.

"Mrs McQueen," the Doctor began, "Your sons injuries were quite serious and it was touch and go there for a while. But we managed to stop the blood loss and he's out of theatre."

"Is he gonna be OK?" Craig blurted out.

The Doctor turned to Craig with a curious smile, "It's too early to say I'm afraid… his condition is still very serious… but it's all up to him now."

"In which case he will be fine," Myra announced confidently, "My son will be fine. Can we see him?"

The Doctor looked around the busy room, "OK, just for a while… and just family."

One by one the McQueen sisters were persuaded by their mother to head home, there was nothing else any of them could do, it was all up to John Paul now.

"I'm gonna call a taxi," Myra told Craig as she came back into the relatives room to find him still sitting there, "D'you want a lift home?"

Craig shook his head, "I'll just stay a bit longer…"

"You sure? There's nothing you can do you know."

"I know… but I'd like to stay."

Myra smiled her understanding, patting his shoulder as she left the room.

"What are you still doing here?" The nurse was surprised to find Craig still sat in the relatives' room a few hours after the McQueen family had all departed for the night.

"I just wanted to stay…"

The nurse looked at him with understanding. "Come on…" she said gently.

"Where to?"

"There's no point you staying in here on your own… and I think that young man might like the company."

Craig leapt gratefully to his feet and quickly followed the nurse to John Paul's bedside.

"It looks worse than it is," the nurse told Craig, "It's just bruising… it'll go down soon… but he's breathing on his own now so that's a good step forward."

Craig looked down at the fragile figure in the hospital bed.

John Paul looked so pale and broken that Craig could barely hold back the tears as he fell into the seat the nurse had placed by the bed.

"Talk to him," the nurse advised as she left the room, "Sometimes that can help."

Craig laced his fingers in-between John Paul's, curling them tightly around his hand as they had done so many times before. But this time John Paul didn't return the grip, instead his hand felt cool and limp as Craig squeezed it hoping in vain for some response.

"Please wake up John Paul," Craig pleaded, "I need you here… I'm so sorry for everything… please don't leave me."

A hand on the back of Craig's head made him wake up. He hadn't realised he'd fallen asleep and the daylight streaming through the hospital windows surprised him.

He was still holding on to John Paul's unresponsive hand as he lifted his head from the bed.

"Craig have you been here all night?"

He turned to see Sarah's gentle concerned eyes looking down at him.

"I didn't want to leave him," he said quietly.

"You should have called me… I could have stayed with you… I only found out what had happened when I called the Dog looking for you."

"Sorry… I never thought…"

"It doesn't matter," Sarah reassured him as she wrapped her arms around his chest and rested her chin on the top of his head.

"How is he?" she asked.

Craig shrugged.

"I was so scared," Craig said after a pause, "I thought I was gonna lose him."

"I know," she replied.

"No… no you don't… I love him," Craig was surprised how easily the words slipped from his lips.

"Of course you do," Sarah replied squeezing him tightly and misunderstanding what he had said, "I love him too… he's our mate."

"No… you don't…" Craig struggled to say what he meant.

"What is it Craig?" she asked with concern.

"It… I… I'm just worried is all," Craig finished lamely.

Once again Craig felt the presence of John Paul at his shoulder whispering into his ear.

"Still not the right time Craig?" The ghostly voice asked him, "Will standing over my grave still be too soon?"


	3. Chapter 3

Craig lost count of how many hours… how many days he sat by John Paul's bed watching his slumberous friend, talking to him, reading to him and just praying that he would wake up.

Others would come by and urge Craig to leave, to take a break or just to go home; and occasionally he would heed their words as he left in search of food or a shower and change of clothes, but his absences were few and brief and each morning he would be found asleep with his head resting by John Paul's side and his fingers entwined with the unresponsive ones of his friend.

Sarah would call in daily, offering her boyfriend the support he felt guilty accepting but unable to refuse. The McQueen women were there in shifts waiting for some reaction from their brother, their son. Even Spike paid a visit, his eyes flickering curiously between the unconscious John Paul and the over attentive Craig, before brushing a kiss across John Paul's forehead and taking his leave.

But late at night Craig always had John Paul to himself. He would whisper to his sleeping companion in a voice that people only ever used in the stillness of the night. He would promise John Paul how different things were going to be, if only he would wake up. He would swear how he would tell Sarah, how he would tell everyone the truth. He would tell John Paul a million things that he felt his friend wanted to hear and, despite the fact the John Paul never moved or reacted to a single one of Craig's words, Craig somehow still felt John Paul's doubt.

"They're only words," he could hear John Paul whisper, "Promises that you've made before and never kept."

"So d'you think they're a couple?" A young dark haired nurse was leaning in the doorway of John Paul's room talking to her colleague and watching the young man seated next to the bed of his friend.

"I don't know," the other nurse replied, "I'm sure that girl that comes is the dark haired lads girlfriend… but if you look at them just now."

Craig's head was in its usual resting place on the edge of John Paul's bed and his hand rested lazily with its fingers entwined with John Paul's.

"Should we wake him?" The first nurse asked.

"Nah, it's still early… let him sleep there's no need to disturb him just yet."

Craig began to stir as the noises of the hospital increased with the start of a new day. He lay still for a moment, the familiar stiffness of his neck slowly creeping into his mind. But there was something else just on the edge of his consciousness that was bothering him. Something was different.

He could feel the familiar sensation of the hospital sheets against his cheek, he could smell the disinfected fragrance of the wards, he could hear the noise of the machinery humming quietly beside John Paul as it monitored him and he could feel the warmth of John Paul's fingers curled against his.

The second that Craig realised what was different he sat bolt upright, ignoring the shooting pain that darted down his spine. His hand was holding onto John Paul's, as it had been every morning since the accident. Today was the first time that he could feel John Paul's grip tight against his.

John Paul was holding his hand back… and if he was holding him then that could surely only mean one thing.

Craig turned his gaze nervously to John Paul, letting it drift slowly across the hospital sheets, over John Paul's chest and upwards until it reached his face. Craig almost wept for joy as he saw the soft blue eyes looking back at him.

"John Paul," he breathed, "God you had me so worried."

"Craig," John Paul's voice was dry and it cracked as he spoke, "What's happened?"

Craig reached for the alarm button, pressing it repeatedly to call for a nurse.

"You were in an accident," he informed his friend, "But it's alright now… everything will be alright now."

Craig stood in the corner of the hospital room with a smile as the medical staff checked John Paul over before announcing that he still had a long way to go until he was fully recovered, but the fact that he was conscious was a great start.

Once left alone Craig returned to the chair at John Paul's side.

"I thought I was going to lose you," Craig said stroking the back of John Paul's had affectionately.

"I don't really remember," John Paul replied. "Where we fighting?" he asked after a pause.

Craig nodded sadly. "It was all my fault," he confessed, "If you'd… if anything had… I would never have forgiven myself…"

John Paul looked into the sad brown eyes of the man he loved.

"But everything will be OK now?"

"I promise," Craig replied, "From now on I …"

Craig's words were cut short as the door behind him opened.

"I've just heard you were awake," Sarah's voice cut through the air and Craig could almost feel it stinging his skin. She planted a kiss against John Paul's cheek.

"You had us all really worried you know," she continued, "Craig's hardly left your side… I was starting to get jealous!"

John Paul turned to glance at Craig. Somehow he had known that Craig had been with him through all this, somewhere in the depth of his subconscious he had taken comfort in the presence of the man.

"So do I get you back any time soon?" Sarah asked Craig jokingly.

Craig's gaze darted between Sarah and John Paul and back again as the usual feeling of panic and uncertainty began to creep into his chest.

John Paul sighed softly; he was just too tired for this again. He didn't have the energy to fight, not even for Craig. He closed his eyes and let his head sink back into the softness of the pillows as he prepared to hear Craig's latest lies to his girlfriend.

John Paul was surprised to feel the softness of lips pressing gently against his and as he opened his eyes he saw Craig's face smiling down at him lovingly.

"No more lies," Craig whispered to him.

Standing upright Craig turned to Sarah with a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Sarah," he said calmly.

"I don't understand," she said with a frown.

Craig took hold of John Paul's hand. "I love him."

"I know you do… we both do… he's a mate."

Craig swallowed hard. "No," he continued, "I mean… I'm IN LOVE with him… I'm sorry but we're… we're together…"

Sarah shook her head; unable or unwilling to believe the evidence of her own eyes.

"You can't be," she objected, "You're not gay…"

"I don't know what I am," Craig admitted, "But I know what I want… and it's John Paul. I nearly lost him and I can't take that chance again…"

"I'm so sorry Sarah," John Paul said with genuine regret at the pain he saw on his friends face.

Sarah looked at the men before her and she had no idea who they were. Her boyfriend would never have treated her to badly and her good friend would never have betrayed her so completely.

Shaking her head she walked to the door. "Just keep away from me," she said through gritted teeth, "Both of you… you disgust me."

As Sarah slammed the door behind her Craig sank into his chair with a sigh. Seeing the pain on her face had almost made him regret what he had done. He loved Sarah, he really did and he never wanted to cause her such pain. But as he looked at John Paul, as he saw the love on the face of the man before him he knew that he'd made the right decision.

"Thank you," John Paul whispered as he held Craig's hand.

"What for?"

"Everything, for being here, for telling Sarah… for loving me."

"Loving you was always the easy part," Craig said as he raised John Paul's hand to his lips.

_OK this is where we now have a choice of endings to the story… Coz I just COULD NOT DECIDE which I wanted to write…_

**Original Ending:**

The young dark haired nurse smiled to herself when she came into the room an hour later to check on John Paul.

"I knew it," she thought to herself.

John Paul lay in a peaceful sleep on the bed, his head resting on Craig's shoulder whilst Craig, who had climbed onto the bed beside him, held the man gently in his arms, a contented smile playing across his own sleeping features.

The nurse watched them for a while; loathe to disturb such a picture of peace, as the two men held each other and dreamed of the future, together.

A week later Craig's hand was resting lightly on John Paul's knee as they sat on the sofa in the McQueen's house. It was a simple gesture that he did without thinking as being able to touch John Paul in front of people was slowly becoming more and more commonplace.

"Tea lads…" Myra said as she entered the room with two steaming mugs.

"Thanks Mrs McQueen," Craig smiled taking one of the drinks from her.

"I've told you… it's Myra."

"Thanks Myra," he corrected his smile widening.

He had never expected to be taken into the McQueen household so easily but once John Paul had told them of their relationship he had become a member of the family.

John Paul took a sip of the hot drink before placing his mug on the floor and leaning his head back against Craig's shoulder. He was still rather weak from the accident but everyday he felt his strength improving and, with Craig by his side, he knew that soon he would be back to his old self.

No, better than his old self.

Now there were no more lies and no more secrets. At last he could tell the world of his great love. He no longer had to hide or pretend.

"Love you," he whispered into Craig's ear.

"Love you too," Craig replied as he kissed the top of John Paul's head.

They both knew that there would still be struggles ahead but from now on whatever the world threw at them they would face it together.

**Alternative Ending (hankies at the ready)**

Craig touched his lips to the soft skin of John Paul's hand smiling as John Paul's fingers curled around his own, squeezing them briefly before letting go.

Somehow Craig knew. Even before the noise of the monitor told him and even before he looked up to see the sparkle gone from the blue in John Paul's eyes. He placed John Paul's limp hand down against his chest and stepped back as the Doctor and nurses rushed to John Paul's side, called by the alarms of the machine.

Craig stood in the corner as they fought in vain to restart John Paul's heart. He already knew it was too late, he knew that the man he loved was gone. Craig felt a sad smile on his lips as he realised that John Paul had also known and that his final words had been their goodbye.

There were no tears as Craig watched the Doctor shake his head in regret, switch of the monitors and turn to him with sympathy.

There would be time for tears. They would come soon and when they did Craig would wonder if they were ever going to stop.

But now, as Craig brushed his hand against John Paul's lifeless cheek, he felt a moment of gladness. He was grateful to have known this wonderful man and to have loved him. But mostly he felt glad that in the end, when it really mattered, he hadn't let John Paul down. He had stood proud and strong and spoken his love out loud.

For a moment he felt a presence beside him, a hand on his shoulder and a breeze, or was it a kiss, against his cheek. Then it was gone. And Craig was alone.

A week later Craig's hand was resting lightly on the corner of the dark wooden box that held his friend. He looked towards the congregation in the church, John Paul's friends and family all gathered to say goodbye, and took a deep breath.

"John Paul was my friend," he began, "he was my best friend. But he was so much more than that. My life is far richer because he was a part of it and it's so much poorer now that he's gone."

Craig paused as a single tear ran down his cheek and he stroked the edge of the coffin with gentleness.

"He showed me who I could really be and I loved him. For the rest of my life I will always remember this beautiful man and the all to short time I had with him. Goodbye John Paul, I love you."

Myra put her arm around Craig as he retook his seat next to her.

"He loved you too," she whispered to him.

"I know," Craig replied, "And I'll always be grateful for that."


End file.
